Regarding the Happiness of Others

Umm...hey, Susan Sontag.
You're looking super happy. And a little bit un-sober.
What happened? You probably just abandoned your young son David and left nothing more than a note saying "Mommy's been bad," right? Don't smile, Susan. That was a dick move. I mean, it's great that you left a heterosexual marriage that would have ultimately made you unhappy, but that kid was like five. You could have at least taken him to the zoo and broken the news there. Then his memoir would've read better.

So, yeah. We don't really have much to talk about. That's primarily because you can't talk from beyond the grave - unless you have some freaked-out supernatural microphone or something, which would be badass - but also because you were always pumped about talking in really bad French, and I don't even know really bad French (let alone really good French). I mean, even if you could talk, what would we talk about? Annie Leibowitz? She just did a really weird, risque photo shoot of naked Miley Cyrus...but her Simpsons appearance was spot-on! (Annie's, not Miley's.) Photography? I didn't read your essay on it. The Volcano Lover? I found it unreadable...

Haha whoops did I just say that? Man, you public intellectuals catch everything. So I heard that in 1993 you staged a production of "Waiting for Godot" in besieged Sarajevo. I bet that was chill. "Didi, when will he get here?" "Who?" "OHH GOD LOOK OUT IT'S A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL!"

I've been meaning to ask you this, but I've been afraid to. Why do you have a giant shock of white hair? Is that like a gang symbol or something? If so, why don't other public intellectuals have it? I can see you, Cornel West and Allan Bloom getting together and laying down some mad beatz about how all your undergraduates know nothing and then going out and shooting someone over a pair of Nikes. That'd be cool. You guys would have been an intimidating gang. You're all so, so...unique separately that together you really would have been a force to be reckoned with. And denied tenure.

Also, why is this poor child being made to wear a jumper bearing your likeness? Is it because her parents still smoke weed?